Snoring

Okay, I live in a household of snorers. The Mister, the dachshund, the German Shorthair, and even the teenager. Sheeesh, it is very noisy here. I guess I'll go to bed while they're all sleeping REALLY soundly. Earplugs anyone?

Peeking

Okay, I logged on to CNN and I know who is "America's new idol". Eyew...at least now there will only be a week more of idol hoopla. Thank goodness. Eyew.

American Idol...Bleccch!

Okay I am going to say it out loud and in cyber print.....American Idol is the pitts. Or to quote my favorite teenager, "American Idol, sucks!" Taylor gives me the creeps. He reminds me of a lounge lizard singer and Miss McPhee, well she has great range and of course she's very pretty, but I am really sick of them on every channel. Sheesh! Between them and the Pitt/Jolie watch in Africa, I am having a hard time really understanding what's going on in the world. Oh, but I digress, Bono is our new ambassador of the world's hurting and he has the solutions to world hunger, world peace, world overpopulation, world health, world garbage land fills, world getting along, world shopping, world sunglasses, did I forget anything? I'm getting a little cranky and would really like the musicians to just sing and entertain and not be the showcase of the tube, the airwaves, or the printed media. And, please, get off my Yahoo home page. You are not world news story!

sorry...at 53 and overly stressed, I'm a little cranky.

Redwoods = peace

Well, it was a week that was a week that was a wealth of emotion, good & bad. Because of that, I do what I know I need to do, pray and continue to pray until that peace that passeth all understanding envelops me as a soft warm blanket.

I walked on my campus this morning for our early morning devotions. Both arms were stretched to the max with an overloaded briefcase, umbrella, purse, laptop, and a bottle of water. It was drizzling, warm, gently, yet, it was drizzling. I stopped mid playground to adjust my load and felt an evergreen needle hit my forehead with a small wet dollop of dew/drizzle attached. I looked up, and there they were, the redwoods. They were positively stately this morning. Despite the fact they don't belong on a small private school's campus, despite the fact they are breaking up grassy areas and concrete, there they were. Blue jays flew from their crowns of glistening green. Peaceful, serene, towering, the redwoods spoke volumes in but a blink of an eye. I love what you have created for me, God. In spite of the crap that I make in my life, You have reminded me that there is peace in resting in your providential power. It really isn't about me and certainly it's not for me to wallow in the stench and the crap. It's about standing tall next to a redwood and knowing that You know, You've heard, You've answered. Peace, peace, peace, by a redwood tree, in a drizzle that was definitely spotting my favorite pink sweater. Peace erased a frown, softened a worry line, and made me stronger.....Peace comes with no warning, no pre-amble, no cost, and no waiting in line.

Peace...Today peace came as two owls rose and lifted from the redwoods to the oaks. Peace surrounded me for a brief moment this morning at 7:34 a.m. I will remember, Lord. I promise.

I have to laugh! Life as I know it continues to throw me sliders when what I want is a sweet fastball right down the middle. Graduation, high school graduation, college graduation, and let's not forget 8th grade graduation; they are all flippin' milestones. I am focusing for the most part on the non graduation activites of my teenager in hopes of sailing through the entire milestone. Yes, I'm pulling up my big girl panties and attempting to get through this without any more "sadness" ie: tears. I was doing fine, but I talked to my oldest today. He's a fabulous young man and talented in five hundred ways around next Sunday. He's witty beyond words, creative, handsome, tall, loves dogs, cats, and is kind to the elderly. His voice creates a motherly response in me. I miss him. You see,we his birth family live in NorCal in a very boring small part of the San Joaquin Valley and even though I love it, young people are not as enthusiastic. He has a great job, fantastic friends, a new van, a band which has a great sound, an apartment, good bosses, and he lives 1700 miles away. Round trip airfare is $360 at best and outrageous at worst. He left the left coast for the lone start in '96 and he hasn't looked back. As corny as it sounds, I miss him. He's coming home for graduation for just a short visit, 2 1/2 days. I know it's the best he can do because of his job and all, but we miss him. We don't know him as well as we'd like. He is mysterious because he is who he is. I envy him. I struck out on my own at 18 and my parents left me. The divorce left me without a home or a sense of belonging. I guess in an effort to right my own sense of abandonment, I have insisted on maintaining a home for my "Chicks". There is nothing that brings me greater pleasure than to have them safe and secure in my nest. Now I know you think I've wandered a very long path to tie all of these "randumb" thoughts together, but here goes. Graduation reminds me that my boys are leaving their lives as boys to become the whole and outstanding young men they are meant to be. It doesn't mean I will like it, or that it will hurt any less to not see them. I have tried to establish a relationship with them that would endure. Unfortunately, it's a mom's dream. My boys are independent, striking, loving, kind, creative, and strong. It's time for me to step aside and know that twice a year to see them for 2 days is good. Mom's hearts heal because boys become their own men. It's all good in my head. Now if I could only tell my heart. The oldest and the teenager, on their own, living their life, being men, God, I feel old.

Sadness

I have no idea what this is about or why I'm overwhelmed. Sadness is taking over me. My gut tells me something is really wrong and very sad. I hate this. Call it intuition, overly sensitive, not knowing, i have no clue. I do know that sadness is where I'm at at this moment, this day, this place. Oh, please let my family and my boy that is away from my nest be okay. Lift the veil, please.

Last Times

As my teenager's senior year in high school winds down, I have started noting the "last time" events. It's a normal behavior for moms in general as their chicks get ready to leave the nest. I did it when my oldest chose TX and the metroplex city of Ft. Worth for college and I'm counting, noting, and contemplating the "lasts" for the teenager. Saturday was Sac-Joaquin Swimming Section finals. He made it after Friday's trials to one of the fastest in the top 16. Of Course, I was working, but we did have a minimum day with early dismissal. Oh my goodness, my teenager swam really fast. He bettered his 100 fly time by one second to 54:82. He swam the 100 breast for only the 5th time in his 4 year high school career at a 1:03. He was very pleased. His 200 IM relay team also swam finals. The relay team moved up two places, as did my teenager in the Fly and the Breast. The amazing thing was this was one of the FASTEST section finals I have ever seen. Automatic All American times were being swum and posted all over the score board. These high school swimmers from NorCal were FAST. Even though my teenager did his best and swam the fastest he had ever swum, he took 12th in the Fly and 14th in the breast. I am very proud of him.

I realized that this was the very last time I would ever see him poised on the block, goggles and cap adjusted, leg suit poured over his body, bent over his toes, and ready to explode. I just couldn't help but smile. He swam fast and he was happy with his times. No more swim practice. Since 1985 I have had a boy in swimming. The oldest swam at the advice of the allergy specialist as a way to help his asthma. Boy, that was a struggle to get him in the water. In fact, that's an entire blog. The youngest took to liquid space with the precision of any natural sea creature. He loved the water. Smiling, splashing, diving, cavorting, it was all a part of the youngest's water introduction. I watched him swim for the very last time competetively. Swimming has been good to our family. It's had its moments, believe me. Disagreements with the coaches, parents who don't volunteer, more pool decks than a body should ever have to visit, more rainy, foggy, cold, sunny, blazing hot days on a concrete pool deck with no shade, than I ever want to think about. But, you know, swimming has been very good to our family. The oldest's asthma and most of his allergies "disappeared" by age 11. He was so physically fit and learned many things about himself through swimming and water polo. We as parents learned to volunteer, volunteer, volunteer. I served as chairman of the club and became active in local politics and eventually was an appointee to the Parks and Rec Commission. The countless number of absolutely wonderful people we have met through swimming and water polo will always be the most important benefit. And, of course, it took my teenager as a smiling 18 month old and honed his skills with a ball, a polo cage, and an egg beater, and got him accepted into a D1 water polo team. Sheesh! Is life good or what? Yep, he swam fast Friday and Saturday, and I am so grateful for 23 years of aquatics. I am proud of him, me, the mister, and of course my oldest. We have all grown through aquatics....He swam fast. He was pleased with his effort. He placed in Consolations. He's one of the top 16 in all of NorCal. Life is really good.

Endings & Beginnings

Tomorrow is a huge day for me, but I'm not sure how big it is for the teenager. Tomorrow is High School Section Swim trials. He'll be competing against the fastest swimmers in our NorCal Sections. Some of the same boys that battled in the pool during water polo will be lane to lane in head on competition. My teenager will be swimming "out of his mind" as he puts it. Is he the fastest swimmer in the Section? Nope. Has he been swimming his fastest? Yes, and double yes. This year he's seeded 15th in a group of 16 out of NorCal. It's a fast year and the kids are incredibly well prepared. His 55 second 100 fly is 15th. He is shaved down, carbed up, and ready to swim fast. I have no idea what's going to happen. He'll be part of the 200 IM relay and he is seeded 15th for the 100 breast. His goal of course is to be in the top 8 and not in consolations at the end of trials tomorrow. It will be exciting.

Swimming is such an individual sport. There is so much mind and heart that goes into it. It's his last section trials. It will be the last time I watch him take that dive off the Tokay High blocks. Racing, straining, reaching, toward a fast finish. I love to watch him race. He's been in the pool racing since he was 20 months old. That's how old he was when he swam his first 25 free in an official USS meet. That dimpled grin spread across his face and as he stopped to hear the crowd and look for his family's faces. He was in love with the water. Now, of course, water polo is his latest love and mistress. I have to say that I take great joy in watching my boys swim. I remember my oldest's last Section Meet. I cried. His fly was beautiful. I loved the details of my oldest's shoulders heaving up out of the water as his arms and shoulders rotated. His blonde head, tanned strong back, and legs propelled him down his lane. I cried. He made it look easy. The teenager has a different approach to the fly. He attacks it athletically. The oldest entered the water in a single motion and controlled his stroke in such a way that he lept from the water at ease and smoothly. The teenager monitors the race and strategizes before he dives from the block. The stroke is not so much smooth as it is a picture of upper body power. As I rerun these pictures on my flippin' 53 year old brain & brain vcr, I am reminded, that yes, these are my children. They're not Olympians. They're not national champions. Yet, they are incredible. They are better than average. They are amazing in the water. I am so envious that they have conquered liquid space. I am even proud of me. You see, I am totally afraid, irrationally so, of any water over my head. By God's grace, I allowed my boys to conquer their own fears and control their destiny in the water. In the meantime, they have shown me how not to fear, how to let go, how to smile, and stretch my faith as they stretch their wings.

Section trials, tomorrow, Tokay High School, teenager, swim fast, Buddy. I love you.