I have to laugh! Life as I know it continues to throw me sliders when what I want is a sweet fastball right down the middle. Graduation, high school graduation, college graduation, and let's not forget 8th grade graduation; they are all flippin' milestones. I am focusing for the most part on the non graduation activites of my teenager in hopes of sailing through the entire milestone. Yes, I'm pulling up my big girl panties and attempting to get through this without any more "sadness" ie: tears. I was doing fine, but I talked to my oldest today. He's a fabulous young man and talented in five hundred ways around next Sunday. He's witty beyond words, creative, handsome, tall, loves dogs, cats, and is kind to the elderly. His voice creates a motherly response in me. I miss him. You see,we his birth family live in NorCal in a very boring small part of the San Joaquin Valley and even though I love it, young people are not as enthusiastic. He has a great job, fantastic friends, a new van, a band which has a great sound, an apartment, good bosses, and he lives 1700 miles away. Round trip airfare is $360 at best and outrageous at worst. He left the left coast for the lone start in '96 and he hasn't looked back. As corny as it sounds, I miss him. He's coming home for graduation for just a short visit, 2 1/2 days. I know it's the best he can do because of his job and all, but we miss him. We don't know him as well as we'd like. He is mysterious because he is who he is. I envy him. I struck out on my own at 18 and my parents left me. The divorce left me without a home or a sense of belonging. I guess in an effort to right my own sense of abandonment, I have insisted on maintaining a home for my "Chicks". There is nothing that brings me greater pleasure than to have them safe and secure in my nest. Now I know you think I've wandered a very long path to tie all of these "randumb" thoughts together, but here goes. Graduation reminds me that my boys are leaving their lives as boys to become the whole and outstanding young men they are meant to be. It doesn't mean I will like it, or that it will hurt any less to not see them. I have tried to establish a relationship with them that would endure. Unfortunately, it's a mom's dream. My boys are independent, striking, loving, kind, creative, and strong. It's time for me to step aside and know that twice a year to see them for 2 days is good. Mom's hearts heal because boys become their own men. It's all good in my head. Now if I could only tell my heart. The oldest and the teenager, on their own, living their life, being men, God, I feel old.